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01 December 2007 @ 07:48 pm
seil  
so ive lied. im not 300 something days clean. not even close. 2 months ago i relapsed and told no one. i didn't believe it and thus made it untrue in my mind. i felt like it would be just plain dumb to tell anyone. i wasn't dissapionted or sad or angry. i suppose i just blocked that shit out and it didnt come up again. never did i actually tell people i was clean, i just said i didn't know how many days sober i had. i suck. i know.
then 2 days ago relapsed once again. this time, it sucked. alot. i stayed up all night in my bathroom in front of my heater shaking. meth mites all overagain. vacent expression in the mirrior. who the fuck was i to think that this was ok. last year it seemed so right. now..i just feel dumb. dumbshit. i don't know. this time im not going to fucking pretend that it didn't happen. admit that shit and move on right? i dont know anymore. i feel so distint from the person i was, or wasn't...it makes me sad. i wish i could go back to the days when i didn't give a fuck about me or anyone else. i felt powerful and now? now i am just a lier.
 
 
 
the Baron Tootoo IIIcrackity__jones on December 2nd, 2007 04:45 am (UTC)
can you believe we used to do that shit like 4 times a day? you don't need that person you were/weren't. SHE was a lier. hannah's not a lier.